Historical jokes

As said earlier, I also like to discover jokes which nowadays are only known in a Censored version. Like this one:

Original: Cagliostro was a famous conman who pretended he could make gold and knew the secret of eternal life. He had prepared his servant accordingly - if some naive person asked the servant "Is it true that your lord is two thousand years old, and that he has met Jesus christ in person?", the servant would have to answer: "I can't know, I have been in the service of my master for four hundred years only."

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The censored version:

A family makes a holiday in a real Scottish castle.

In the night, the young daughter has to go to the bathroom, which is outside their room, so she has to walk through a corridor. It's cold, dark, and she's read too many ghost stories, so she's afraid. When she meets an old man, she asks: "Excuse me sir - are there ghosts in here?"

"Definitely not. I've never seen one here, and I've been floating every night through these corridors for 150 years."

Q: Why did the Wehrmacht call the Italian military reports "spaghetti reports"?
A: Because they were "long and thin".

A fascist functionary from Rome is visiting a factory. He asks the responsible manager whether Socialists among the workmen have been fired. The manager says no, about 40% of them are, he can't fire them, they're experienced workers and necessary to run the factory. So the functionary asks whether the factory is at least Commie-free, then. The manager says no, actually the whole other 60% are Communist.

Functionary: "Are there no Fascists in your factory at all?!"
Manager: "Why, they all are fascists!"

(That joke is also told about Nazi Germany, but IMO it fits better to Italy.)

Q: How many Italians were around in 1945?
A: 90 millions - 45 millions of former fascists, plus 45 millions who had never been fascists.

You know, that i have seen tweets from people who think the National Socialist German Workers' Party is a Communist party, do to having Workers in it.

Another EAV song, from 1990 appropriately.



"Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin" (There's a house in... guess.)

Karl-Otto kommt aus Ostberlin und Blasi heisst sein Hund, (Karl-Otto comes from East Berlin, and his dog's named Blasi,)
beide war’n nie in der Partei. (both of them never were in the party.)
Ging er Gassi mit dem Blasi, Wasser lassi, (When he went with Blasi to the street taking a leak,)
dann war quasi ein Stasi immer mit dabei. (then, so to speak, a Stasi guy was always around.)

Es sprach Herr Gorbatschow: „Es werde Licht!“. (Herr Gorbachev spake "Let there be light!")
Und siehe, es ward ein wenig heller. (And Lo, things became somewhat brighter.)
Karl-Otto packt die Truhe; macht seine Bude dicht. (Karl-Otto packs his stuff; closes up his shack.)
Sein Trabant fuhr niemals schneller! (His Trabant never went that fast!)

Von Ostberlin nach Varaszdin über’s Burgenland, (From East Berlin to Varaszdin via the Burgenland,)
welches für seinen Wein bekannt, (which is famous for its wine,)
fuhr er dann mit dem Trabant, ins gelobte Bruderland, (he drove his Trabant into the promised brotherland,)
wo Asyl er, doch keine Arbeit fand! (where he got asylum, but no job!)

Ref:
Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin, (There's a house in East Berlin,)
das steht seit kurzem leer. (it's been empty for a short time.)
Den meisten der Genossen stand nach anderem der Sinn, (Most of the comrades had other things in mind,)
als ein Land, called DDR! (than a country called GDR!)


Der Arbeiter- und Bauernstaat ist auch nicht das geworden, (The workers' and peasants' state didn't become either,)
was er schon früher niemals war. (what it actually never had been before.)
Charly Marx rotiert im Grabe, das Herz wird ihm so schwer. (Charly Marx is rotating in his grave, his heart is bleeding so much,)
Geplant war alles anders ganz und gar! (everything had been planned so very differently!)

Die Mauer ist gefallen und alles jubiliert. (The Wall has fallen, and everyone' jubilating.)
100 Mark sind schnell versoffen. (100 marks are quickly boozed up.)
Doch im Westen bleibt man nüchtern, da wird spekuliert. (But in the West, they stay sober, they're speculating.)
Ein neuer Markt ist offen! (A new market is open!)

Ref:
Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin, (There's a house in East Berlin,)
Das steht schon fast nicht mehr! (it's almost not standing anymore!)
Früher wohnten Mister Marx und Herr Lenin drin, (Once, Mister Marx and Herr Lenin lived there,)
doch das ist lange her! (but that's a long time ago!)


Karl-Otto steht in Westberlin, noch immer arbeitslos (Karl-Otto is standing in West Berlin, still unemployed,)
und schaut sich ein Schaufenster an. (and looking at the window dressing.)
Daß nicht alles was da glänzt, Gold ist, weiss Karl-Otto längst, (That all that glitters isn't gold, Karl-Otto has learned long time ago,)
außer, wenn man sich’s leisten kann! (unless you can afford it!)

Nach der ersten Euphorie senkt ganz Western-Germany (After the first euphoria, all of Western Germany)
betreten seine Jubelfahnen. (is lowering its jubilation flags.)
Denn sind die Arbeitsplätze knapp, schiebe deinen Bruder ab, (Because if jobs are scarce, shove off your brother,)
und zum Abschied gibt’s einen Strauß Bananen! (and for goodbye, he'll get a bunch of bananas!)

Ref:
Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin, (There's a house in East Berlin,)
das steht seit kurzem leer. (it's been empty for a short time.)
Und Karl-Otto ist dabei wieder einzuziehn, (And Karl-Otto is busy moving in again,)
in seine Heimat, called DDR. (into his home, called GDR!)