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Post by Max Sinister on Apr 30, 2022 12:55:09 GMT
If you know me, you'll know that I like those, so I'll make a thread here as well.
Frau Pollak von Parnegg* is making holiday in Italy and bought a painting by Titian. But at the border, there's a bad surprise: Mussolini has decided that it's verboten to export national treasures of culture. - So she prolongs her holiday and approaches the next painter to paint a portrait of Mussolini on the real Titian. This painting is OK to export. Back in Vienna, she contacts a restaurator to wash off the Mussolini picture.
Somewhat later, she complains to a friend: "Imagine the bad luck I had! This fool of a restaurator washed off the real Titian as well!"
"Oh no, what a pity!"
"But it could be worse: Under the real Titian was a very beautiful picture of our dear old emperor Franz Joseph!"
* A nouveau riche woman from an ennobled and baptized family, she lived in Vienna between the World Wars, and became the target of many jokes, not all of which were based in reality; when Hitler invaded Austria in 1938, she jumped out a window to her death.
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575
Captain
There is no Purgatory for warcriminals - they go directly to Hell!
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Post by 575 on May 1, 2022 14:53:59 GMT
During 1935 the Ladby ship - a Viking Royal ship was excavated at the village of Ladby in Fyn. Only the markings in the ground are left of the actual ship and the iron nails/spikes. The find had a museum building erected to cover it and showcase to the public. A highly prized archeological find.
So forward to the German occupation of Denmarks post 9. April 1940:
A couple of German officers visit the Museum of the Ladby ship. Having been shown around by a Danish custode one of the German officers upon leaving the museum utters:
"thats no great ship"
Danish custode reply:
"well we used such to conquer England!"
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stevep
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Post by stevep on May 1, 2022 14:56:55 GMT
During 1935 the Ladby ship - a Viking Royal ship was excavated at the village of Ladby in Fyn. Only the markings in the ground are left of the actual ship and the iron nails/spikes. The find had a museum building erected to cover it and showcase to the public. A highly prized archeological find. So forward to the German occupation of Denmarks post 9. April 1940: A couple of German officers visit the Museum of the Ladby ship. Having been shown around by a Danish custode one of the German officers upon leaving the museum utters: "thats no great ship" Danish custode reply: "well we used such to conquer England!"
So that was the secret German plan for Sealion.  |
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575
Captain
There is no Purgatory for warcriminals - they go directly to Hell!
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Likes: 4,106
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Post by 575 on May 1, 2022 15:10:51 GMT
During 1935 the Ladby ship - a Viking Royal ship was excavated at the village of Ladby in Fyn. Only the markings in the ground are left of the actual ship and the iron nails/spikes. The find had a museum building erected to cover it and showcase to the public. A highly prized archeological find. So forward to the German occupation of Denmarks post 9. April 1940: A couple of German officers visit the Museum of the Ladby ship. Having been shown around by a Danish custode one of the German officers upon leaving the museum utters: "thats no great ship" Danish custode reply: "well we used such to conquer England!"
So that was the secret German plan for Sealion. 
Though during the 1990's there was some circulation with the press that H. Himmler had wanted Danish mailshirts (not metal ones cotton ones called a Brynje/mailcoat) for the Waffen SS during the invasion of Britain. Of course the Danish Army didn't have any to spare. We still had them during my time with the Air Force.
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Post by Max Sinister on May 8, 2022 0:31:27 GMT
Two prisoners meet in Dachau. One of them asks the other one: "Why are you here?"
"Because I said on May 5th that Hess was crazy! And you?"
"Because I said on May 15th that Hess was NOT crazy!"
(Hess' infamous flight was on May 10th, 1941)
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Post by Max Sinister on May 11, 2022 21:10:43 GMT
Nazi teacher: "How do you imagine the Third Reich?"
Jewish school boy: "Exactly as it is!"
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Post by Max Sinister on May 14, 2022 20:19:59 GMT
Two prisoners meet in Dachau. One of them asks the other one: "Why are you here?" "Because I said on May 5th that Hess was crazy! And you?" "Because I said on May 15th that Hess was NOT crazy!" (Hess' infamous flight was on May 10th, 1941)
The Commie equivalent of this is of course:
Three prisoners meet in a Gulag. Again, one of them asks: "Why are you here?" "Because in 1935, I was against Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov! And you?" "Because in 1937, I was for Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov! And you?" "... I am Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov!"
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Post by Max Sinister on May 17, 2022 19:35:06 GMT
1965. Hitler has defeated the British empire, the Soviet Union, even the US, and reigns over almost all of Earth.
The last two Jews on Earth are sitting in their secret hiding place and listen to the radio, where the decrepit "führer" is making a speech:
"Tokyo wants to return to the Reich!" (in German: "heim ins Reich").
One of the two says: "Ha! Now that'll break his neck!"
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
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Post by miletus12 on May 18, 2022 9:43:08 GMT
One should note that Kinnock did praise the liar.
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Post by Max Sinister on May 19, 2022 12:15:22 GMT
Offtopic, miletus! And certainly not funny. Even if you consider Biden a joke.
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
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Post by miletus12 on May 19, 2022 15:04:14 GMT
Offtopic, miletus! And certainly not funny. Even if you consider Biden a joke. It is funny. And it is historically hysterically funny. Most of us knew what a fool he was and know what a fool (and crook) he is and yet here he is as POTUS.  That happened. About 10 years ago. |
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lordroel
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Post by lordroel on May 19, 2022 15:06:54 GMT
One should note that Kinnock did praise the liar. Not a Historical joke miletus12, wich this thread is about. |
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Post by Max Sinister on May 23, 2022 21:49:23 GMT
(Former) Austria 1944. A man is totally desperate: It's obvious that the war is lost, and he expects that after Hitler, Stalin will invade and make everything even worse - so he decides to commit suicide by execution.
He goes to the mayor of his small town (the highest-ranked nazi there) and claims he had slaughtered a pig without a permit. But to his surprise, the mayor only asks "Did you bring some piece of pork along for me?" After some talk, he gets that the mayor really only is interested in the (non-existing) meat. So he ups the ante and claims he had listened to Radio London. But the mayor only asks, intrigued: "So, what are they saying? I only have a volksempfänger!" When the man gets that the mayor won't execute him for this, he gets so desperate that he raises his hand and slaps the mayor. Who only stares at him and asks: "Geht es jetzt los?" (Are they starting the revolt now?)
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
Posts: 7,470
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Post by miletus12 on May 24, 2022 0:18:58 GMT
 Poor alligator. |
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Post by Max Sinister on Jun 5, 2022 13:29:35 GMT
Between 1933 and 1939. A German Jew and a nazi are standing in front of a world map.
J: "Can you tell me what the green blots are?"
N: "That's the perfidious Albion and its colonies, which we will conquer one day."
J: "Ah yes. And the blue blots?"
N: "That's our erbfeind* France and its colonies, which we will conquer one day."
J: "Aha. And the big red blot?"
N: "That's the Bolshevist Soviet Union, which we will conquer one day."
J: "And what's the brown spot in the middle of Europe?"
N: "That's the Greater German Reich."
(pause)
J: "Does the 'führer' know this map?"
* hereditary enemy
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