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Post by Max Sinister on Jul 27, 2023 4:50:40 GMT
Q: What was the ideology of Communist Eastern Europe in its late phase?
A: Marxism-senilism.
(Found this in a book by SED functionary Günter Schabowski, of all places. But since I didn't know this joke yet...)
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Post by Max Sinister on Jul 30, 2023 1:57:49 GMT
(Since I can't find this German cartoon from 1933, I'll have to describe it.)
Title: "Die neue Linie" (The new line)
Panel 1: Inside a tram. We see the driver from the back. A woman asks him: "Where are we actually going to?"
Panel 2: The driver says nothing, but points to the sign above his head stating that it's verboten to talk to the driver while he's driving.
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Post by Max Sinister on Aug 2, 2023 16:18:56 GMT
East Germany. Milk is scarce, so "First Lady" Lotte Ulbricht has decided to buy a goat and smuggle it to Wandlitz, where the bigwigs had their villas. Since she doesn't want anyone to know about it, she puts the goat into a baby buggy. But as things happen, she runs into Frau Grotewohl. Who looks into the buggy and comments: "Oh, how cute, just like the daddy!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Aug 9, 2023 12:38:26 GMT
Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach... One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The genie, having been in the lamp for eons, didn't know anything about this and asked Bill to explain. Bill pulled out a map of the Middle East and went through the history and details of the situation. The genie said, ” That's too tall of an order. I’m good but not that good! Do you have another wish?” Bill replied," Well, Hillary wants to be president and I would sure like to be back in the White House, so how about making Hillary the most respected, charismatic and beautiful woman on earth? That would for sure get her elected." The Genie thought for minute and said, “Let me see that map again." Y'know, I also like to collect examples of old jokes which were changed by later people (in some times, censored as well). This is one example, and here's the original:
An old Brahman finds a lamp with a djinn. He gets one wish.
Brahman: "I always wanted to visit Madagascar. However, I'm afraid of ships. Could you build me a bridge to Madagascar?"
Djinn: "Do I really have to? Do you know how far it is, and how deep the ocean is? I'm not the all-powerful Brahma, I'm just a djinn, and I'm not as young as I used to be. Can you wish for something else?"
Brahman: "Well... I always have been a pious Hindu, I've said my prayers, I've followed the rituals, I've read the holy texts, but I'm still not sure whether I fully understood Hinduism. Could you explain it to me?"
Djinn: "...How many columns do you want for your bridge?"
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Post by Max Sinister on Aug 19, 2023 19:53:17 GMT
Another historical joke that got censored in our time, so to speak:
During one medieval council of the Catholic church, one participant criticized: "When we came to this city, there were three or four whorehouses around. Now there's just a single one - reaching from one end of the city to the opposite one!"
And now the modern, censored version:
A student hands in his homework to the teacher, who criticizes: "Your sheet is flooded with ink! Care to explain?"
"You told me I'd have to write lines for every inkspot, so I turned the four spots into a big one!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 1, 2023 23:32:36 GMT
Some of these jokes are adapted several times, sometimes with a twist: First version, in late A-H under Franz Joseph: "The emperor has actually died - but nobody wants to tell him, it might scare him." Second version, under Franco: "Gentlemen... the caudillo... he is... no more." "But... who will dare to tell him?" Third version... there is one, but now I forgot... Edit: OK, found it. "Did you know marshal Petain was dead?" - "No, when did he die?" - "Three months ago, but his entourage has hidden it from him."
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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 7, 2023 4:04:47 GMT
This time, a joke from 1990s' Germany. Let's see whether someone likes it.
SPD boss Rudolf Scharping and foreign minister Klaus Kinkel meet in a dark cave.
Scharping: "I think Helmut Kohl swallowed me whole."
Kinkel: "Not sure, I came in the other way."
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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 21, 2023 1:00:20 GMT
A joke by Karl Valentin, from the nazi time:
(Enters stage) "Heil! Heil... now what is his name again? I just can't remember that name..."
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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 23, 2023 21:13:26 GMT
Another by Karl Valentin:
Valentin meets a nazi.
Nazi: "Did you read about the result of the plebiscite? 98% voted for Hitler!"
Valentin: "That's strange - wherever I go, I only meet the 2%."
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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 27, 2023 20:01:45 GMT
This time, some joke from an ATL. Feel free to add/invent your own ones.
The 1960s. "Führer" Goebbels enters Speer's Reichschancellory, with a black eye.
Speer: "Mein Führer - what happened to you?"
Goebbels: "I called Magda 'Du'." (Informal 2nd person pronoun.)
Speer: "But, mein führer - certainly you can call your own wife 'Du'!"
Goebbels: "You don't get it! She told me that we haven't had intercourse for a whole year, and I told her 'Du'!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 4, 2023 0:54:02 GMT
Here's a Putin joke I didn't know yet, from the time Medvedev was officially president:
"Vladmir, I don't think I will have the time to mow the lawn before the news, may I do it after?"
"Of course, Dmitry, you are the president after all."
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 8, 2023 1:18:18 GMT
Just found this one:
A young aspiring post-doctoral fellow is being questioned during his acceptance exam to CPSU. The board asks:
- What can you tell us about the Party’s negative stance towards white minority discriminatory and apartheid policies against non-white majorities in some capitalistic African countries?
- I support it wholeheartedly.
- And what can you say about the Party’s condemnation of the economic blockade by the West of the friendly coutries like Cuba and others?
- I fully endorse it.
- Why do you keep saying: “I endorse, I support…” Don’t you have your own thoughts?
- Well, I certainly do. But I neither endorse nor support them.
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Post by Max Sinister on Nov 1, 2023 18:41:33 GMT
A school class in Communist Poland.
Teacher to student: "Who is your father?"
Student: "The Union of Socialist Soviet Republics!"
Teacher: "Who is your mother?"
Student: "The people's republic of Poland!"
Teacher: "What is your biggest wish?"
Student: "Them getting divorced!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Nov 18, 2023 18:09:46 GMT
You probably already know that joke when it's about the one or other POTUS, but I think this is the original (even if not 100%) correct:
Stalin tells Khrushchev that he left two letters to him as his successor, in case things are dire.
Some years later, things are dire, so Khrushchev opens the first letter which reads: "Blame me for everything." So Khrushchev denounces Stalin as a mass murderer and kicks off destalinisation.
Again some years pass, and things are dire again, so Khrushchev opens the other letter which reads: "Write two new letters."
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Post by Max Sinister on Nov 26, 2023 5:48:11 GMT
This takes place during the Gorbachev interlude. A young reporter is interviewing a grizzled old WWII veteran.
“You've lived in the times of both Stalin and President Gorbachev. Is life much better now than in that era?”
[Long pause for thought]
“No, things were much better under Stalin.”
[Reporter is flustered]
“But, the purges, the gulags, the shortages and famines! How can you say that things were better then than now?”
“In Stalin’s day, I was young and strong and all the girls wanted to dance with me.”
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