Things That Happen 2.0: A Rebooted Satirical Timeline

Where is the goatee.

MacEVIL: STOP MISSPELLING MY NAME


HEMPSTEAD, NEW YORK - Speaking at a town near his top-secret evil lair, evil genius and Democratic candidate for president Robert MacEvil has angrily accosted certain individuals who consistently miss the 'a' in his name.

"It's MacEvil, not McEvil," he said, frustrated by the issue. "You would not make the same mistake with Trump or Carson or Clinton or Sanders. Why do you do it to me?"

This comes at a time when this timeline, and MacEvil himself, have been nominated for awards on a nameless obscure internet forum. Nominations with MacEvil's name contain the misspelling. "If this continues," promise MacEvil, "I will do terrible, terrible things to you."

Previous incidences of misspelling his name have included a newspaper editor working for some politically biased rag in some little town nobody gives a shit about; MacEvil's goons subsequently pulled out every single member of the newspaper staff onto the street, crushed them under treaded construction equipment, set them on fire, and strewed the ashes all over the town. The block that the newspaper office was on was firebombed from the sky, and the town's water supply was contaminated with poisons, depopulating within a week.

Another town that nobody gives a fuck about was the subject of another misspelling. In the town's local underfunded high school, an apathetic student giving a report about the political shitshow that this country is currently undergoing accidentally spelled the name wrong on a single slide of his powerpoint presentation; cameras that had been hacked by the suprevillain subsequently spotted the error. Upon finding this, the villain's goons bribed the school board to hold an assembly about such an egregious error. The student in question was publicly shamed by her peers, and had slurs, vegetables, and human waste thrown at her by people she considered her friends. From there, his goons brought in a large wood chipper and stuffed her in it, spilling her innards into the crowd. The school was subsequently barricaded by paid off police, and the entire student body and faculty was ground up into human mulch. From there, the school was demolished, and the entire body of high school students, middle school students, elementary school students, kindergarten students, preschool students, nursery students, little children, and pregnant women were rounded up and similarly ripped to shreds, condemning the town to a slow and painful decline followed by being bought out by a Chinese corporation using sweatshop labor.

"I have brought those who misspell my name to justice," said MacEvil, in reference to these incidents and similar ones. "Be very careful to remember that 'a.'"

When asked about how he would deal with persons who do so in metaspace, he glared at the audience, threw a shrapnel grenade into them, and left, the grenade detonating as he did so.

TRUMP: "BUILD A FOURTH WALL AND MAKE THE AUTHOR PAY FOR IT"

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI - Donald Trump, the nutcase whose presidential campaign is beginning to look like an attempt to compensate for something (as demonstrated by his performance in the recent presidential debate in Detroit), has called for the construction of a fourth wall for this timeline, something that it has lacked since its original inception.

"It's not fair to middle class Americans that the author can come down and just fuck with things," said Trump, who elaborated that "this is tyranny and oppression, just like George III."

Trump's plan includes some bullshit about wrapping the universe in a metal sheathe to prevent the author from entering the timeline, despite knowing fully well that the author can do whatever the fuck he wants. When asked about this, Trump said "I'm rich. I can make it work." He did not elaborate on how the author would pay for said wall.

When asked about the notion, the author began laughing. "What the fuck is this bullshit?" he asked. "It's something stupid that I wrote for Trump. Face it, it does sound like the idiot, doesn't it?" The author then laughed at his own creation in a desperate attempt to quell his own loneliness and misery in the world beyond this stupid fiction.

There is no conceivable way that the annoying orange running for president could possibly create a way to repair the broken fourth wall. This is, as one might expect, a delusion to create another cheap joke. "This timeline is getting very hard to write," said the author. "I'm not sure how long this goes before events beyond my control make it impossible to be funny anymore."

[CANDIDATE] WINS ELECTION, EVERYONE FUCKED

WASHINGTON, D.C. - [CANDIDATE] has, in a turn of events that made it seem as if the [PARTY NAME] party were in its dying throes, seized victory from the jaws of defeat, winning [SWING STATE], [SWING STATE], and [STATE NOBODY FUCKING HIM/HER TO WIN] to get to the White House.

In his/her election speech, [CANDIDATE] announced his/her intention to begin [REALLY FUCKING BAD THING] that will fuck over the nation in every conceivable form. "Now, I can begin the one true plan of [CAMPAIGN PROMISE THAT WON'T FUCKING HAPPEN DUE TO CONGRESSIONAL DEADLOCK]!" As expected, [OPPOSING PARTY] has denounced what [CANDIDATE] has promised in speech, promising "complete obstruction and political gridlock so we can achieve our political objectives."

As one might expect, given the collective maturity of our nation, the American public has predictably gone insane due to the policies that [CANDIDATE] is going to enact, which will likely cause significant damage to[MINORITY GROUP] and [SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP]'s ability to continue existence. Said one commentator from [TOWN NAME], [STATE RELEVANT TO CANDIDATE'S INTENTIONS], "[CANDIDATE] is going to disenfranchise, tax, and murder [SPEAKER'S DEMOGRAPHIC OR SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP] to death! It's the end of the world!"

Such was held to be nonsense by the international community, as the world was going to hell anyway. "[CANDIDATE] is only an accessory to the end of all human civilization, not the cause!" said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the death cult known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Various bastards around the world, such as David Cameron, Angela Merkel, Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Shinzo Abe, Narendra Modi, Justin Trudeau, Marine le Pen, Nicolas Maduro, Nigel Farage, and Justin Bieber just laughed at the pretensions of the American public.

"We've had enough!" was the reaction from the leader of the #NoLivesMatter movement, which revealed that it had acquired multiple nuclear weapons via authorial fiat. "We cannot let [CANDIDATE] go through with his/her dastardly schemes!" After this, they fired their nuclear weapons into the Earth's core, ending anything remotely interesting in the timeline.