Things That Happen 2.0: A Rebooted Satirical Timeline

You manage to write Hitler as part of this timeline, fun fact there is already a German movie called Er ist wieder da (English as Look Who's Back) about Adolf Hitler waking up in 2011 up in a vacant lot in Berlin, with no knowledge of anything that happened after 1945. Homeless and destitute, he interprets everything he sees in 2011 from a Nazi perspective (for instance, he assumes that Turks in Germany are an indicator of Karl Dönitz having persuaded Turkey to join the Axis, and thinks that Wikipedia is named for "Wikinger") — and although everyone recognizes him, nobody believes that he is Hitler; instead, they think he is either a comedian, or a method actor. As a result, videos of his angry rants become hugely successful on YouTube, and he achieves modern celebrity status as a performer. In the end, he uses his popularity to go back to politics.

Note: the first story of this post was written by poketwo.

Spanish spy gave me premission to post this, k?

SCYTHER LEADER OFFENDED AT BEING CALLED "Pokemon"

SCYTHER LEADER: WE ARE NOT CANNIBALS

COLUMBUS, OHIO, In a recent Q/A segment on the author's recent delusions regarding "Timeline hijackers" and "Grammar", a few questions were asked to the nameless leader of the scythers. One of was "What are your thoughts on being called a 'Pokemon Fanfiction' crossover?"

To which it responds by going on a mad caps-lock rant saying things like "WE ARE NOT FUCKIN POKEMANS", "THEY ARE FUCKING CANNIBALS! CANNIBALS, I TELL YOU!", and "INSTEAD OF ENSLAVING TOOL-MAKING SPECIES IN ORDER TO MASS MANUFACTURE WEAPONS OF GLORIOUS WARFARE, THEY EAT ALL OF THEM! THEY'RE MAD I TELL YOU, MAD!!!!!".

It then proved this fact by flying around the building, as everyone knows, pokemon scythers can't fly.

After the insane rant that looks like it was inspired by a mad, offended tumblrite splurging on privilege rants, the next actual useful question was regarding the accusation from the author on the comment that he was some radical-liberal from the forcibly-made newspaper article.

The giant alien reptilian mantis responded with "I think the leader of the group sent to ensure glorious Poke E. Two's acknowledgement in the world had a strange aurora to him. After thinking about it further, he reeked of 'insane radical right genocider."


It then stated"Which obviously explains why he called the author by that title .Sadly, he ran away before he can be PURGED TO ENSURE THE MOVEMENT WILL BE PURE WITH NO RADICALS. No worry, like all EMOTIONAL WINEFEST ABOMINATIONS he will be PURGED IN GLORIOUS LASER FIRE!"

After this comment, many supporters of Poke E. Two have realised that this president will be as insane as the rest if elected. However, after attempting to leave the movement, all of them disappeared for 2 days, and reappeared with strange devices protruding out of their heads, and an emotionless zeal for the movement.

Many reporters tried to reach Poke E. Two for comment, only to find him hiding in a retcon-proof bunker in Richmond, Virginia.

He refused to talk to anyone at the moment, stating "You are all puppets of HIM! Trying to get the codes to enable the retcon of me! THAT'S NOT GOING TO MUCKING HAPPEN!"

Meanwhile, many critics of the author, after seeing the insanity the new candidate and his movement have, seem to now be accusing the Author of letting in the madman to "Unnecessarily shake up the mess of this timeline!"

The author, being currently in a massive state of panic over the recent break-in of his house and killing of this timeline's humor, has no comment yet on the recent madness.
[/p]

CRITICS SLAM NEW CANDIDATE, COAUTHOR, UPDATES

METASPACE - Critics of the author have recently descended upon him in the form of an angry lynch mob for letting a hijacker post updates in this timeline with his expressed consent.

"You have just sold this fucking timeline out to a thief and a fool!" proclaimed one critic from Columbus, Ohio. "Hell, I'd rather you have the regular bullshit the author writes than this guy!" he proclaimed.

Common complaints included how the coauthor emulates the author's style; one critic from Dallas, Texas said that it was "merely scattershot and random like a hyperactive middle schooler, not like an exasperated journalist who is sick of the world." Further complaints have surfaced regarding the injection of Pokémon into the timeline, the new characterization of the author as a neo-Nazi, and the presence of a new candidate for president.

This new candidate is currently hiding in a bunker in Richmond, Virginia, coincidentally not far from where the author lives in metaspace (which doesn't really matter because for the purposes of this timeline the author is a deity). "I might just pay this idiot a visit," quipped the author to a reporter who had broken into his residence for the purpose of comedy.

Many people of variable relevance to the national political shitshow, including some presidential candidates, made comments on the new candidate. Donald Trump, oligarch extraordinaire, said that "this bastard is a cowardly piece of shit. If he wants to run for president, he has to get out of the bunker and into the streets." The status of the candidate as being in a bunker, while backed by foreign invaders, was a particular point of contention for Trump, who remarked on him as "bought out by foreigners. See the scytherwhatevers that have attacked innocent people? I bet they're Mexican."

POSTING BULLSHIT ON FACEBOOK EXPECTED TO SOLVE INSTITUTIONAL RACISM, TERRORISM

THE INTERNET - People throughout the country are convinced that the deep, harmful problems of institutional racism and international terrorism can be solved by changing one's profile picture or posting some copypasta on one's feed.

On that godawful travesty of a corporate data farm, suburbanites isolated from any real misery in the world have been furiously posting their solidarity with university protestors against institutional racism and harassment at various universities. Notably, many of these messages have been copy and pasted from one sheltered soul to the next, with the amount of effort taken to acknowledge such problems taken to an absolute minimum.

Similar actions have been taken after the senseless massacre of hundreds of innocent civilians in Paris by terrorists. People have been changing their profile pictures to be overlain with the tricolore, something facilitated by Facebook itself, happy to allow condolences be given by its mass-produced products to be sold to megacorporations to line Mike Zuckerberg's billionaire pockets.

"It's wonderful!" said Kara Holstein of Bethesda, Maryland, a rich suburb of Washington, D.C. which in no way has any connection to white flight whatsoever. "I can make a difference in the world just with copy and paste!" she said ecstatically. "I can feel the gratitude of poor minorities and families of terror victims coming to me from across the country, across the world!"

However, it is uncertain how exactly it is expected that these messages reach college administrators that are stuck in the eighties or terrorist leaders who think that the internet is a crime against God. When asked about it, they shrugged dismissively, eyes revealing the crisis of privilege in their minds, and said "good finds a way."

Meanwhile, there are racist idiots in high echelons at certain universities and ISIS is still killing people senselessly. The effect of these actions is therefore demonstrably zero.


MODERN LITERATURE VAPID AND REPETITIVE

EVERYWHERE - Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive.

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive.

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive:

"Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. "

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive.

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive.

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive.

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive:

"Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive."

Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive. Modern literature is vapid and repetitive.

INTERNET EDGELORDS GENERALIZE AMERICA, RAIL AGAINST GENERALIZATION

THE INTERNET (AGAIN!) - Rabid anti-American ideologues have been saying that they hate America for reasons that they willfully ignore in other countries, which they hold up to be utopias on Earth, upon which America is the sole blight.

Many have been blasting the United States for not taking in as many refugees as we should be; one Facebook user of no credentials whatsoever beyond adolescent angst said that she "hated this fucking country," conveniently ignoring that the gulf states of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, and the United Arab Emirates have done no such thing. When asked why there was no hatred directed towards those countries, she mumbled something about the Republicans, racism, and Daesh before throwing a temper tantrum.

When our reporter engaged with this individual in violation of privacy laws that must exist somewhere (nevermind that we hijacked one of her friends' accounts to engage with her; we've paid off enough people that we won't get in trouble), she said that she hated America "with a fiery passion." Going on to elaborate (good God the author is a repetitive idiot), she said the following:

"America is racist and oligarchical and Islamophobic, the only nation in the world to do such things. I hate it. I want it to die. Everyone in this country is like this."

When she was informed that she was making a generalization, she accused the shill we hired to harass her of making the generalization that all refugees were terrorists, when our shill said no such thing.

There was no realization of the hypocrisy of such an action.

LIBERALS CONTINUE ANTI-TRUMP CIRCLEJERK

THE INTERNET (THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING CESSPOOL) - Certain groups of liberals have continued their vigorous circlejerk against Donald Trump, generally agreed to be a bigoted ideologue who is batfuck insane.

Despite this general establishment of Trump's lack of character, qualifications, or conception of what is good for America, these groups have continued reacting as if every stupid thing that has come out of his mouth is shockingly new, acting as if they have never heard this idiot speak before despite being plastered all over the news by media wanting to make oodles and oodles of cash.

"Did you hear what he said about refugees?" said one member of a chatroom with a liberal leaning. "He is literally Fascist!" Several other members of the chatroom began the circlejerk, kicking that machine of self-validation into high gear. "He proves America is racist!" said one, who had previously stated that generalizing all refugees from Syria as against 'Western values' (whatever those are) quite vigorously. "TRUMP IS TEH EV00LS" said another, speaking very eloquently on the origins of the Trump campaign.

This concerted effort to reinforce ideas about Trump, without any discussion of how to actually counter this idiot who is poised to fuck up everything once in the White House, has continued incessantly. When asked by a reporter who has snuck into the NSA to spy on people about why this is done, one of the members said the following on the issue:

"I hate Trump but am too apathetic to actually do anything about it. I'm aiming to change the opinion of the NSA agents inevitably reading this chatroom. It'll be enough to sway the election!"

The NSA people actually watching the chatroom just snickered.

ARSON NEW SCANDALOUS ACTIVITY PREFERRED BY YOUTH
ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT TEENAGER: "IT'S FUCKING LIT"

THE WHOLE UNITED FUCKING STATES OF AMERICA - Adolescents worldwide have, in a natural outgrowth of the word 'lit' being a positive descriptor, begun to participate in arson as a recreational activity.

With the rise of 'lit' as the new synonym for 'cool' that will be forgotten as cringeworthy and stupid in a year, just like what happened with "yolo" and "swag," the easily impressionably and utterly innocent youth of America have begun lighting shit on fire for vaguely defined reasons. The heat is being turned up throughout the country as the flames continue to rise.

"We need to be fucking lit," said Juvenile Delinquent, a freshman at Underfunded High School in Harrisonburg, Virginia, "and what is more lit than arson?" After this, Delinquent set fire to a grocery store, a hardware store, a nursery, a school, several homes, several people, several dogs, several cats, a long stretch of road, a garden, a farmer's market, a welfare office, a library, a bookstore, a homeless shelter, several gas stations, a list of things he burned, and a long, tired metajoke. After doing such things, Delinquent was tried as an adult and locked away in a private prison to rot for the rest of his adult life.

Throughout the nation, adults have been shocked at the acts of rebellion that have manifested themselves as acts of arson. "I never would have expected my wonderful little test-taker to do anything bad!" said Oblivious Parent, of Yonkers, New York. "Now, she's daring question my authority and the authority of the government! It's terrible and surprising!"


A homeless shelter being burned in Orland Park, Illinois

These actions have been met with great consternation among educators, who insist that the best course of action is "preventative counseling," and not anything that would actually use the money bequeathed to them by suburban mothers, who cannot possibly see how that is necessary.

In one instance in New York City, local arsonists, in the process of setting fire to a packed elementary school, came into conflict with a local #NoLivesMatter protest. After a shouting match, the two competed to see who could burn down the block first; the fire engulfed both groups before the bet was settled.


AUTHOR HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE

METASPACE - In a bout of laziness brought about by utter incompetence, the author simply hasn't the faintest fucking idea what to write an update about.

"I'm trying to come up with something. I really am," said the author in a hastily convened press conference intended to comment on the harping nature of modern news media. "I just can't. Honestly."

This comes at a time when the author has exhausted his good ideas and is waiting for new material to come. "The election has already gone fully implausible; you have walking caricatures already running for office; for Christ's sake, look at Trump and Carson and Sanders!" The author was simply in utter disbelief.

The author has been roundly criticized for even bothering to post such an update. "Why would you post about literally nothing?" asked a critic from Fargo, North Dakota. "This is the most pointless fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life!" The critic was subsequently pointed to various useless things that the government was spending money on, upon which the critic's head exploded.

People the world over have been reacting with a mixture of disgust and muted hope. "If he continues to have no ideas," said a critic from Dusseldorf, Germany, "he may end the timeline. And if he does so, we will all benefit." Others have been less impressed; one critic from Xining, China, said the following:

"He is an idiot. What is he going to do next, post the same update twice?"

NATION ATTEMPTS TO RESTRAIN DIVE INTO MINDLESS CONSUMERISM

THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY - Americans throughout the nation have been trying to wait just one more day before blowing all their hard-earned cash on meaningless bullshit that the corporations want them to buy to line their pockets.

The day after this day of family arguments, condescension, judgment, and overeating that is disturbing to even Mexico is the day that the nation gets to embrace its fervent, deeply-seated desire to buy everything and anything that may be relevant to their interests. "Just ... one ... more ... day," said a consumer from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. "I really want that TV. And that iPad. And that stereo system. And that oven. And those toys for my nephews made out of toxic chemicals in Chinese sweatshops. Oh, who am I kidding? They're all made in Chinese sweatshops."

As families gather to celebrate the long-ignored ideals of thankfulness, love, and companionship, the thoughts of what people are going to buy are first and foremost in their minds. As factory-farm grown turkeys and store-bought potatoes and gravy serve as padding before the teeth-rotting indulgence of pounds upon pounds of pie, the specter of mindless consumerism weighs heavily on everyone's minds. Families are already planning to dart out of the door as soon as possible to buy all the useless bullshit that they don't need.

Some people are choosing to celebrate the spirit of togetherness by camping out alone in front of major retailers, in the name of giving their ill-gotten gains to others to show how fucking rich they are. "I'm thankful for this opportunity to splurge on stuff I have utterly no real interest in," said a camper outside of a Best Buy. "It's truly the Thanksgiving spirit."

PARDONED TURKEY SLAUGHTERED FOR SYRIAN AID

MODESTO, CALIFORNIA - Abe, the turkey pardoned by President Obama during Thanksgiving ceremonies, has been slaughtered by Foster Farms, the farm in charge of the dinner, to be made into food to be supplied to whatever 'moderate' resistance group that the Pentagon happens to like at that given moment.

Abe was taken by a farmhand, Jose Fernandez, out of no emotion more sophisticated than sadism; he said that he enjoyed the rush of emotion brought out by the "crushed hopes and dreams of little children" that inevitably resulted from the news being broken. Said children immediately threw tantrums and demanded more commercialized toys exposed to them through internet advertisements.

Upon the news becoming public, animal rights groups condemned Foster Farms for its "lack of concern for such a humanitarian tradition," and after that descended upon Foster Farms bearing torches and pitchforks. The assembled activists began tearing down buildings and setting animals on fire, contrary to their stated intention. When asked about such a contradiction, a member of the crowd said the following:

"We have to act irrational. Otherwise, it wouldn't be funny."

Once this character displayed self-awareness, the author made her disappear in a puff of revisionism.


This is not a picture of Abe, but rather a stock photo of a turkey stolen from Wikipedia.

While this stunning lack of common sense was occurring, a local #NoLivesMatter group was marauding the countryside turning everything into a barren hellscape. Once they got to Foster Farms, they began burning the farm as well, while also massacring the animal rights groups.

Nothing productive has come out of this incident.

This has been done.

The update is supposed to be depressing and cynical; indeed the whole timeline is supposed to have that tone of misery, pessimism, and futility. I find it more conducive to be funny with a worldview like that.

SANDERS SUPPORTERS SACRIFICE BANKER TO CANDIDATE

PORTLAND, OREGON - Fervid acolytes of the Bernie Sanders campaign stormed a bank and kidnapped an executive of a Bank of America outlet in Portland, and sacrificed him to their candidate of choice.

The bank was stormed near closing time, when the employees were going home to their bourgeois 1% homes where they spend their free time oppressing the 99%. There, the supporters of the Sanders campaign smashed the windows in, smashed the doors in, smashed the bank vaults, smashed the ATMs, smashed the tellers' faces in, smashed the janitors faces in, smashed the vaults, smashed the money, smashed the clocks, smashed the chairs, smashed the computers, smashed the list of furnishings in the bank, and smashed a long, tired metajoke. The executive was captured via handcuffs made out of the tears of the working American.

The crowd of Sanders supporters, chanting "smash the banks! smash the banks!" brought the executive to a public park with the intention of being visible to the majority of the country, and subsequently impaled the banker with the financial impact of their student debt. The banker was left to rot, and the stench of crony capitalism subjected the city to its revoltingness.

Hipsters throughout Portland have said a bunch of incomprehensible postmodern nonsense that sounds like support, but such support may be ironic, or worse, ironically ironic. Similar support has come from Washington State, but people were too high to form coherent language. Otherwise there was no comment whatsoever from them.

Bernie Sanders himself said that there was a "logical outburst against the system" but refused to say too much on the basis that he was discussing the abolition of homework with elementary school children.

MacEVIL SPEAKS AT #NOLIVESMATTER RALLY

PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA - Presidential Candidate and Supervillain (no, Donald Trump does not count; he's not sophisticated enough to be one) Robert MacEvil spoke at a gathering of #NoLivesMatter activists in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Speaking to the crowds of disillusioned omnicidal maniacs that had gathered, MacEvil spoke in favor of their aims. "The goal of your movement to spread extrajudicial police brutality to all races equally is a noble one. This is why, if elected President, I promise hypermilitarized police kill teams that will go around killing people indiscriminately, and when I say indiscriminately, I mean people I don't like," said MacEvil to the crowds, who cheered him on and slaughtered innocents in his name.

MacEvil subsequently took questions from the crowd. One question was the following:

"Mr. MacEvil, you proclaim to deal with the problem of institutional racism by treating everyone like shit, how will you distribute the distinct shittiness of discrimination fairly?"

To which he responded:

"You see, I'll replace racism with naked, blatant nepotism. It won't matter what the color of your skin is so long as you obey my every whim. It's only fair."

When asked about the idea that life in general does not matter, MacEvil said that if that is the case, there is no reason not to enslave vast amounts of Americans to work on personal vanity projects. "I mean, we've done it before," he said nonchalantly. This was coupled with the utter erosion of the justice system that he intended that will lead to large amounts of death and misery, even more than it already exists. "And, of course, we'll start a few more wars in the Middle East to raise the death toll," he snarked.