Things That Happen: A Satirical Timeline

Preface: This timeline originally ran on alternatehistory.com from July 20th, 2014 to October 8th, 2015, and has a reboot ongoing on that site.

Breakdown of the current Primary candidates from www.politicalbullshit.com

As primary season begins, the author of this timeline has, in a fit of laziness and apathy, decided to simply start listing the current candidates for the Republican and Democratic nominations for president without any form of dramatic buildup. This is attributed to a lack of ability to keep a timeline going that long while writing partisan bullshit on the part of the author, who has stated that "I just can't do it. I want to get on with the story," to the consternation of an audience that he has just conjured into existence for the purpose of creating a metajoke.

The Republicans

Chris Christie: the same guy who has been running in every projection for the upcoming election, and is running, in spite of reality that may have caused circumstances to go differently, for the Republican nomination. "We need to build bridges with the public, not block them up," Christie has said.

Peter King: Some guy from New York who isn't going to get the nomination. The author already knows that.

Woodrow Napier "Wood" Board: A literal wooden board from Anthony, Jackson County, Kansas made out of the wood of a cottonwood tree in 1964. Board, the first disabled candidate for a major party's presidential nomination, must be carried around by an aid, Joseph DeLancey, as Board is unable to move and speak on his own. DeLancey serves as his interpreter and custodian. Despite the bigoted attacks of ableists, Board, through DeLancey, has insisted that he is a confident, capable conservative who can bring America back to its roots.

Ted Cruz: That guy from Texas who shut down the government. Has promised all the stuff we already know about him.

Rand Paul: Son of Ron Paul who is totally not included for the sake of plausibility and the fact that he is known for being a proposed candidate.

Louis Rawls Strawman: a scarecrow, made out of straw, from Rockford, Coosa County, Alabama. He promises to take criticism gracefully, no matter how hard it may be.

Jeb Bush: Just some other guy who isn't going to win that the author feels he needs to include to maintain some sense of distorted realism.

RomneyBot 1000: The real Mitt Romney did not want to run yet again, so in his steed some guy made a robot clone to run for him. Possesses all the benefits that Romney has and none of the charisma. "RomneyBot: Superior. Democrats: Inferior" he is recorded as saying.


The Democrats

Hillary Rodham Clinton: The author isn't going to insult his readership by insinuating you don't know that she's pretty much the frontrunner.

Joe Biden: The comically misspoken foil to the current President who for some foolhardy reason is trying to challenge Hillary Clinton.

Brian Schweitzer: People on obscure message boards like him but he still isn't going to get the nomination.

David Daniel Duck: Governor of some state that the author is too lazy to decide, who has risen from the lowly position of a farmhand to mayor, then governor, and now president. Has an army of cows as his accountants and typists. Is a reference to an obscure series of children's books.

Martin O'Malley: Some other guy that people wants to run. Isn't getting the nomination.

Robert MacEvil: Evil Genius from Manchester, New Hampshire, who announced his candidacy from his top secret evil lair on Long Island. Boasts his experience in constructing death rays and running an evil empire as a plus for his candidacy.

Jay Nixon: Totally not a crook. Otherwise just some random guy to make the update longer.

Mark Warner: some other guy that the author took from the Wikipedia page on the 2016 elections. Is not going to win the nomination.


Clinton struck with Plot Convenience Syndrome, Withdraws from Presidential Run

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Hillary Clinton, former Secretary of State, Senator from New York, first lady, and a host of other things nobody gives a damn about, has come down with a nasty case of Plot Convenience Syndrome (PCS), which the author has cruelly bestowed upon her for the sake of advancing the plot and thereby make it more interesting than the bog-standard prediction of her winning that pretty much every political pundit has been making. It goes without saying that the theoretical interest that the author expects this timeline to receive should go up substantially.

In her speech announcing her withdrawal from the race, Clinton said that "I really didn't want to deal with any more of this bullshit anyway." The armies of political pundits, who are guaranteed to be completely wrong, now speculate that Joe Biden, the current Vice President, is for some fucking reason in the lead. Others believe that another candidate, like Robert MacEvil or David Daniel Duck, is going to try for the nomination; these two are noted in particular because they both have more positive qualities than most idiot politicians, MacEvil being an honest crook and Duck having been the reasonably successful governor of some state somewhere.

This case of Plot Convenience Syndrome is thought by others to be a boon for the Republicans, who now actually stand something resembling a shot at the worst job in the whole damn nation. Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, and Jeb Bush have all said bullshit that you would expect them to say, while Wood Board has announced to his followers that (speaking through Joseph DeLancey) "now is the time to take the effort and actually do something and not spew partisan garbage."

Plot Convenience Syndrome is a disease of no consistent symptoms, and those that may be present are inevitably ignored by writers. PCS occurs whenever an individual prevents interesting events from occurring and henceforth allows the plot to advance. Many are dismayed that Clinton has fallen to PCS as of right now, one disgruntled citizen from McKinleyville, California saying that "a whole lot of bullshit is going to happen very soon. I feel it." Still others believe that this will be a good thing; another citizen from Smithfield, Virginia, has said that "now politics will actually be interesting for once."



CHRIS CHRISTIE COLLAPSES INTO STAR, OBLITERATES TRENTON
WIDELY SEEN AS BULLSHIT REASON TO THIN LIST OF CANDIDATES, ADVANCE PLOT

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY - Chris Christie, current Governor of New Jersey and candidate for the Republican nomination for President, has recently collapsed on his own weight and has been transformed into a star during a campaign luncheon in Trenton, the state capital, in what is generally held to be a joke based on his weight, but ultimately turning into a method of advancing the plot by getting rid of anyone who could be reasonably held to be vaguely competent in the office of Presidency so the author can get the biggest idiot he can find into the White House.

Defying all forms of physics, astronomy, logic, reason, common sense, and generally held standards of writing, Christie collapsed into a miniature star under circumstances that are not entirely clear due to all witnesses being inconveniently in a state of death; many in the news media have expressed dismay at their lack of consideration for future generations. Some reporter that the author just pulled out of nowhere has said that "it is a shame that the witnesses to this event have decided to die unceremoniously."

The author is being lambasted widely for writing such an update, and he is being held to intense scrutiny at his lack of response, being last seen in Virginia Beach jumping over the corpses of beached sharks. He is also being criticized on his insistence on metahumor, which some random bastard from Gary, Indiana has held to be "completely fucking dull and unoriginal." A consensus is forming that he has already given up on writing a quality timeline at only the third post. A bystander from Alpine, Texas, has said that "this must be some kind of fucking record for him."

BIDEN DECLARES LAW OF UNIVERSAL GRAVITATION TO BE PREJUDICED; PROMPTLY FLIES INTO SPACE

SOME FUCKING PLACE - Joe Biden, current Vice President of the United States and generally held to be the village idiot in Washington (quite an accomplishment for the people who work there) recently declared the law of universal gravitation to be "an offensive, prejudiced law that should be repealed as soon as theoretically possible, and the general end of legal restrictions on gravity. He is quoted as saying that:

"Gravity should not be pigeonholed into the scientific roles that society dictates. It should not be forced to be 9.81 meters per second squared; gravity should be able to be whatever value and whatever unit it wants to be.

As he was met by thunderous cheers of the residents of wherever the hell he was, gravity ceased to operate on Biden, who subsequently began floating into space at a generally increasing speed, and has passed the upper atmosphere according to NASA satellites. NASA is already beginning a launch to rescue him. He is currently somewhere in the general area of Mars.

WARNER ENDS CAMPAIGN FOR NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL

LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA - Mark Warner, current Senator from Virginia, has recently made the announcement that he will no longer be seeking the Democratic nomination for President, and gave no reason whatsoever for doing so. This has prompted wide speculation from critics that he has been stricken with Plot Convenience Syndrome, but others suspect that the author is just trying to pull some kind of unfunny bullshit on the readership. This story ends here because the author can't think of any more things to write about a stupid joke.

KING ENDS CAMPAIGN, SAYS AUTHOR TOLD HIM TO

THE ONLY DAMN PLACE ANYONE EVER MENTIONS IN NEW YORK OTHER THAN LONG ISLAND AND ALBANY- Peter King, representative from the second congressional district of New York, has made an announcement that he is suspending his campaign for President on what he claims is authorial contact.

King claims that the author appeared to him in a dream, never mind that King is generally opposed to the religious rhetoric of the Tea Party, clad in a dirty T-shirt and shorts, sneakers, and comically short white socks, wearing unclean glasses and sporting uncombed hair, bad breath, and noticeable body odor, and told him to cease his campaign for president on the rationale to "continue the story." Critics, which for some ungodly reason the author keeps mentioning, have said that he is likely to be telling the truth given the author's stated tendencies of arbitrariness, the fact that this timeline is in no way serious, and that the author constantly and irritatingly lampshades both of these facts in increasingly unsubtle ways.


O'MALLEY HAS CRITICAL EXISTENCE FAILURE
SEEN AS EVEN LAZIER THAN THE WARNER HEADLINE

ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND (THERE ARE TOO MANY GODDAMN CAPITAL LETTERS IN THIS POST ALREADY) - Martin O'Malley, Governor of Maryland and all-around nonentity for the purposes of this timeline, has suddenly and shockingly ceased to exist during a speech to crowds in the capitol of his own state. Footage shows the Governor talking about some irrelevant bullshit for some time, and then simply vanishing into thin air, taking his clothes with him. Crowds went into a frenzy and started doing stuff that frenzied people do in a riot, and general trashed Annapolis and parts of Baltimore for some reason.

Critics have lambasted the author for writing this event as it demonstrates even less thought and effort than Mark Warner just giving up campaigning for no discernible reason. A critic from Waukesha, Wisconsin, has deemed it to be "completely and utterly stupid, even for a timeline as stupid as this. I'm getting the impression that the author just doesn't give a damn."

PAUL, CRUZ TRY TO WOO VOTERS AT TEA PARTY TEA PARTY

FUCKING HELL I HATE ALL THESE CAPITAL LETTERS - In a grand ceremony in Boston, Massachusetts, prospective Republican presidential candidates Rand Paul (R-KY) and Ted Cruz (R-TX) both appeared at a Tea Party tea party in the harbor where the Boston Tea Party was held. Like everyone else, they were wearing the fanciest, prettiest dresses, shiniest, most jewel-encrusted tiaras, and reddest lipstick that lobbyist money could buy, Cruz wearing a purple dress with gold ermine pattern and a ruby-encrusted golden tiara, while Paul stepped out of his magic-unicorn pulled plastic carriage in the colors of the Gadsden flag wearing a red dress with gold accents with a silver tiara with emeralds on it.

Before the event, celebrated donor and totally-not-using-this-for-his-political-ends-person Charles Koch dressed in his own green dress with red accents and performed I'm a Little Teapot, Short and Stout to the entire audience, complete with the movements you certainly learned in preschool, ending the poem by dumping the contents of the teapot (colored yellow with the Rattlesnake and motto "Don't Tread on Me" on it) into Boston Harbor to thunderous applause from the various old men dressed like five year old girls and soldiers from the American Revolutionary War in about equal measure.

Participants in this were treated to waiters dressed in bunny rabbit, fluffy dog, and kitty cat outfits which themselves were dressed like members of the Continental Army, making many suspect that the author was on some sort of psychedelic while reading Drudge Report (for the record he claims to abstain from all drugs of any kind; he says that he is "crazy enough to not need drugs to make shit this insane up"). They were served with elaborately painted silverware that was certainly not plastic children's tea sets made in Chinese factories by sweatshop labor outsourced by Hasbro. The tea was generally held to be subpar, tasting like an unholy mix of tea that expired in the 18th century, raw sewage, sea water, and radioactive waste. When asked about this, the event manager, who the author cannot be bothered to name, said that it is "unregulated free market tea."

ELIZABETH WARREN ENTERS RACE FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON

Cambridge, Massachusetts (Capital letters are overused) - In a speech to some people in Harvard University, Elizabeth Warren, the senior senator from Massachusetts has announced that she will be running for President because "Hillary Clinton isn't and people want me to," citing the fact that obscure discussion boards and insular subreddits have been expecting her to do so since the beginning of time, which the author knows is not logically possible in any manner but allows him to create a joke about his own arbitrariness and inability to write anything half-decent.

Warren was irritated at her portrayal by the author in the above paragraph but was grateful that he did not go the clichéd route of branding her a godless communist, saying that "it would have ruined suspension of disbelief," failing to realize that such a thing never existed here.

MacEVIL PROPOSES ROBO-DELEGATE TO DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE

TOP SECRET BASE ON LONG ISLAND THAT NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT - Renowned evil genius and candidate for the Democratic nomination for the Presidency Robert MacEvil has proposed robotic delegates for the upcoming Democratic National Convention to be held in some place that the author hasn't thought of yet, which he says will "save food, water, and supplies, allowing more of the money there to be given to charity." Democratic Party leadership is currently looking into the idea, but is worried that there could be a "conflict of interest" in doing so.

MacEvil has defended his proposal from critics who have said that they will vote for him no matter who actually becomes the frontrunner for President by assuring them that these robodelegates are "certainly not rigged to vote for the most competent, qualified, and genius candidate." Rival for the presidency David Daniel Duck is one of the leaders of the movement to oppose the usage of robodelegates, saying in a press conference on the subject:

"Quack. Quack quack quack quack quack. Quackquackquackquack quack, quack quack."

TIMELINE DENIZENS QUESTION WRITING ABILITIES OF AUTHOR
WANT COAUTHOR TO MAKE THINGS HAVE SOME SORT OF QUALITY TO THEM

METASPACE BETWEEN THE TIMELINE'S REALITY AND READERSHIP'S REALITY - Certain individuals within the timeline have made the proposal to fire the current author and get a new author, saying that the current one is "a complete hack with a twisted sense of humor," and another one saying that he is a "five year old in an adolescent's body in a mental institution." These people want the author to either be replaced or take up a coauthor who will temper the uninhibited creative urges of the current author, saying that "an actual infant would be better at it than this."

The author met with these people, getting to them by altering the reality that he has created, thereby rejecting others, and making one concise threat while stroking his neckbeard and aggressively tipping his fedora:

"I could repeal the Law of Narrative Causality. I don't think you want that."

A possible repeal of the Law of Narrative Causality, the law of fiction that says events happen because the plot demands it, could lead to all sorts of bullshit happening, as it would give the author an excuse to write the most absurd crap that he could come up with, which would have very little relevance to the stuff that this timeline is mocking. One of the critics, who shall remain unnamed, has said that "the Law of Narrative Causality must remain in place. We will continue negotiations with the author to get better quality writing.


ROGERS: NSA SPYING ON FUCKING EVERYBODY, INCLUDING AUTHOR
ANNOUNCES POSITION ON LAW OF NARRATIVE CAUSALITY CONTROVERSY

WASHINGTON, D.C. - General Michael S. Rogers, director of the National Security Agency, has recently admitted to a crowd of reporters for some fucking reason that the NSA is indeed "spying on every single motherfucking person on fucking planet Earth."

Stressing the need for National Security, Rogers insisted that "every single motherfucking person is being watched," using methods such as constant surveillance using the cameras on personal electronic devices, including microwaves, toasters, refrigerators, televisions which are secretly telescreens a la 1984, some fucking complicated method in books, blogs, and obscure online discussion boards, clairvoyance, fortune telling, voyeurism, being creeps, blocking traffic by being fucking terrible drivers, bribing hosts of children's television shows, bribing hosts of talk shows, bribing just about everyone else in the world, and the usage of copious amounts of explosions (which has no practical effect other than "being fucking awesome" in the words of Rogers).

When inquired about the scope of NSA surveillance, Rogers replied by listing the Reddit accounts the asker had, intrusive thoughts that bothered him, occurrences of him wetting his bed in college after drinking excessive amounts of dishwasher fluid, number of times he had dressed like a clown and rode on a unicycle on a railroad track to work, books he has eaten for breakfast (preferring true crime with ground pepper), obscene limericks he has memorized, and the designations he had given to his fellow reporters in games of Fuck Marry Kill. Rogers was willing to take more questions but the various reporters were too pants-shittingly terrified to ask more.

Especially controversial was the admission that the NSA is spying on the author of this timeline, who has refused to comment on the issue; he was last seen hanging lampshades on abstract concepts. Rogers insists that this is necessary "for the assurance that this timeline will not swan dive into a cesspool of absolute suck." Making this whole fiasco more dramatic is the ultimatum to the writer that, should he repeal the Law of Narrative Causality, the NSA will spoil the future events of the timeline, revealing them to the readership faster than the author intends, despite this making absolutely no fucking sense from a literary, logical, continuity, or indeed any conceivable standpoint.

PLAUSIBILITY POLICE ARREST PAUL, CRUZ FOR ACTIONS AT TEA PARTY TEA PARTY

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (the capital letters joke has run its course) - Members of the Massachusetts Branch of the Plausibility Police have arrested Republican candidates for Presidential Nominee Rand Paul and Ted Cruz for "doing stupid shit that is completely out of character for them, and would never be accepted by the standards of the time." Plausibility Police Chief Michael Moultrie has said that "this is just fucking inexcusable for them to act this way. We are looking for clues of suspected involvement by Alien Space Bats, but no evidence has been found at this time. Remain calm and pray to whatever god you pray to that the Author does not fuck us over again."

The arrest of Paul and Cruz means that they will not be able to run for the Republican nomination, leaving a wooden board, a strawman, the brother of a President, and a robot as the main contenders, and is widely seen as an attempt to respond to criticism of the agency in the past few timeline updates. The Plausibility Police has taken heavy criticism from the fact that it allows this bullshit timeline to keep on existing and thereby breaking every single genre convention in alternate history and then breaking the laws of fiction in general.

CRITICS SLAM AUTHOR FOR HEAVY USE OF METAHUMOR

SOME VARIANT OF REALITY THAT IS NOT QUITE ATL NOR OTL - Critics have been furious at this timeline's Author's tendency to include heavy amounts of metahumor in this timeline, leading to what many have said to be a marked decline in quality from the Author's previous works (which they still maintain to be terrible).

One angry critic denounced the usage of metahumor as "paving the way for this timeline to just be the Author bullshitting as much as he can." The author has responded that the timeline cannot change into what this critic is suggesting because the Author is already bullshitting as much as he can. Yet another critic criticized to "not only make metajokes, but metajokes about making metajokes," to which the Author has responded to by saying that "you've only seen the second iteration of the great fractal of metahumor," to which many have shuddered.

CANDIDATES INSULT EACH OTHER LIKE TODDLERS
NOT A SINGLE FUCK GIVEN BY ANYONE

TOO MANY GODDAMN PLACES TO NAME IN THE BEGINNING OF A NEWS STORY - Candidates for presidential nominees have been insulting each other like little children, and nobody is surprised because that is a) what candidates do, and b) what candidates are mentally.

Jay Nixon has described Wood N. Board as an "uncharismatic wooden board of a man that could not win an election if he were the only candidate, and what's worse, cannot speak for himself." Board has taken offense to Nixon's insult based on his speech and mobility impairments, to which Joseph DeLancey, Board's personal assistant, has said that "Mr. Board says that he is deeply offended by this crook's insults to his disabilities," and subsequently said stuff about how mean he was that nobody listened to.

Similarly, Elizabeth Warren has denounced Louis Rawls Strawman as a "white supremacist, gun-grabbing, Bible-clinging member of the corporate aristocracy that bathes in gold and the blood of children that wants to reestablish segregation, slavery, poll taxes, National Socialism, Fascism, Prohibition, and outdated sodomy laws that prohibit trivial bullshit." Strawman has responded that Warren is a "Godless gun grabbing Communist who supports parasites on welfare and the security state that is currently spying on absolutely motherfucking everyone."

Finally, Jeb Bush has denounced Robert MacEvil as being "completely fucking evil," to which MacEvil has responded quite cordially. "After all, he's right," said the prospective Democratic nominee, "and why vote for the lesser evil?" blatantly stealing that line from a joke campaign poster for C'thulhu.


ASTEROID DESTROYS NSA BUILDING IN FORT MEADE
NSA SOMEHOW NOT AWARE

ANNE ARUNDEL COUNTY, MARYLAND (FUCK IT, ANOTHER CAPITAL LETTERS JOKE - NOW WITHOUT ACTUALLY MAKING A JOKE) - An asteroid about the size of the ego of a presidential candidate has rammed into the National Security Agency's headquarters in Fort Meade, in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. This incident is peculiar because it destroyed the NSA's headquarters and only that building, leaving the rest of the base unharmed. Further adding to the confusion is that pictures of the asteroid, which manifested itself in the general vicinity of Joe Biden in space (currently near Jupiter), reveal that the asteroid was in the shape of a hand giving the middle finger to somebody or something. One bystander made the conjecture that "the author does not like the NSA," to which the author has replied "No shit Sherlock."

This dislike is fueled by the NSA's recent threat to spoil the future events of this timeline to the audience, who probably wouldn't give a damn either way, if the author repeals the Law of Narrative Causality. An interview with the author reveals that "I want control of my work and no character can tell me what to do with it otherwise."

A cause of major confusion is the question of how the NSA failed to anticipate this strike if they were aware of the forthcoming events of the timeline itself. One political commentator has speculated that the author may have retconned the timeline (throwing normal models of readership conception of timeline chronology into chaos) without telling the NSA leadership, who all have died in the impact.

SCIENTISTS CONCLUDE THAT SANTORUM, CAIN, AND PERRY STILL EXIST
STILL NOT RELEVANT IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY

GOODLAND, KANSAS- Researchers at the First United Colorado-Kansas University, based jointly in Goodland, Kansas and Burlington, Colorado have discovered that, despite the fact that the author has written absolutely jack shit about them in contradiction to the widespread support some people on the internet have expressed, that Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, and Rick Perry still exist.

This study has shown the primary reason for the exclusion of these candidates was that the author could not think of enough original jokes to make about these candidates, contending that all possible humor has already been taken from their essence. Some researcher that the author can't bother to name has said that "nobody should worry about these people doing anything; they are harmless and the author can't think of any original material for the timeline with them as the subject." This researcher added that Michelle Bachmann has been found to no longer exist, having undergone a critical existence failure sometime last year.

ROMNEYBOT DESTROYED AT INCIDENT IN NIAGARA FALLS
ROMNEY IN CRITICAL CONDITION

NIAGARA FALLS, NEW YORK - RomneyBot 1000 has been destroyed in a clearly contrived method of thinning the candidate list in Niagara Falls, New York, and Mitt Romney, the 2012 Republican nominee for President, has been seriously injured.

While giving a speech, in which RomneyBot promised "optimization of American productive capacity" in a stereotypically robotic-sounding voice, a conveniently timed and placed idiot riding in a barrel came splashing down into the water behind them, creating an unrealistically large wave that doused both RomneyBot and Romney in cold water. The former was completely destroyed, as his components were not designed for long exposures to water. This caused him to short-circuit and die.

Romney, the man, is currently in the hospital for injuries that are bizarrely more serious than a normal person being doused in water. A doctor at the scene says that "the situation looks bleak for him with a 47% chance of survival." Large amounts of electricity have been detected from Romney's body, leading some otherwise irrelevant professor at the Southampton Institute of Technology in Southampton, New York to propose the theory that Mitt Romney himself is a robot. Most other people really don't give a damn.

ROB FORD ENTERS RACE DESPITE BEING CANADIAN

DETROIT, MICHIGAN - Rob Ford, current Mayor of Toronto, has for some fucking reason declared his candidacy for the office of President of the United States despite being a Canadian National, which is generally held to be a significant obstacle in running for that office. The Prime Minister of Canada, who the author will not name due to insufficient knowledge of Canadian politics to choose a plausible person to be the Prime Minister at that time, has expressed indifference, saying that "you can have the idiot if you want him."

Ford landed in Detroit Metropolitan Wayne County Airport in a hot air balloon powered by his own bullshit and crack cocaine. In a press conference with various reporters, he said that he would be representing the "State of Intoxication" for the presidential elections. Ford also claimed that he is "in no way on any form of substance in this conference," he said as he gently floated around.



OBAMA, CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER AGREE ON FORD DEAL
BIEBER TO BE SENT BACK TO CANADA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama and the Canadian Prime Minister whose identity has not been decided on by the author because of his laziness and lack of familiarity of Canadian politics have made an agreement regarding the former mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford's, recently announced campaign for President of the United States for some ungodly reason. American officials have agreed to allow this bullshit to happen under the condition that Justin Bieber, the godawful pop star so terrible the spellcheck that checks the author's writing doesn't acknowledge his name's correctness by putting the red line of shame under it, be sent back to his home country.

This agreement comes at a time when everyone is fucking confused about why Rob Ford has entered the Presidential race, even though he is Canadian. During the talks, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency gave a presentation about how the utter suckiness of Bieber's music was causing damage to just about every single fucking thing in nature, and the Department of Health gave a presentation about how it harms the mental and physical health of pubescent girls, who drool over him to the point of causing floods in areas such as Arthurdale, West Virginia and Coolidge, Kansas. The unnamed Canadian Prime Minister has said that "Canadians are just so fucking badass that we can handle him. My apologies for swearing."

POP CULTURE STILL SUCKS
AUTHOR OPPOSED TO WRITING ABOUT IT

METASPACE BETWEEN ATL AND OTL - The author has recently given a press conference to several news agencies that he can't be bothered to name and has announced that there will be very few if any coverage of the media and culture of this godawful timeline because it still sucks.

The author has elaborated that people are still burning their eyes out with electronic devices, despite writing this on a laptop that he regularly stays up to five in the morning on writing updates for his timelines, to the point that the Department of Health is considering designating them pathogens. Celebrities are still fucking stupid and are marrying and divorcing at rates that are probably setting some kind of fucking record somehow that the author is too lazy to name. Movies suck, television sucks, and the internet sucks less. Popular literature alternates between sappy teenage love stories and preachy bullshit that is praised by college English professors and little else. Video games are okay but the moral guardians still won't shut up about them.

BUSH DROPS OUT OF RACE AFTER USING RACIAL SLUR
HAPPENS DESPITE THIS NOT ACTUALLY BEING A RACIAL SLUR

SOMEWHERE - Jeb Bush, the brother of George Bush and someone who is totally not a wealthy oligarch, has recently criticized the current Democratic candidate for their nominee for President David Daniel Duck, of some fucking state, and has committed the devastatingly stupid gaffe that any intelligent politician should know to avoid (a meaningless statement as intelligent politicians do not exist - if they did, this timeline would have no raison d'etre): calling Duck a 'Quack,' the most offensive slur against Anatidian-Americans such as Duck himself.

The media, acting completely predictably in order to drum up more money to line the pockets of executives with money that will subsequently be pumped into PACs, has worked to expose this outrage, and all the people who respond to this with melodramatic anger have done so as someone with a four-year-old's understanding of the basic workings of the politics of this nation would predict.

Basking in shame, self-pity, and anger at himself for being that fucking stupid, Bush has announced the suspension of his campaign and said all the apologetic bullshit that you would expect him to say. Duck has responded with the profound, egalitarian, feel-good sounding "Quack quack quack, quack quack, quack. Quackity quack quack quack motherfucking quack."

TROOPS FINALLY OUT OF AFGHANISTAN
OBAMA: "FUCK THAT SHIT"

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA - President Obama has announced that every single goddamn American soldier has been removed from Afghanistan, where everyone is hoping that the country will not go to shit again after the Americans left.

Obama, commenting on the return, has said "fuck that shit" in regards to proposals that they stay longer. "We've been there for too fucking long. Hell, they want us out, so why the fuck should we fucking say?" This ends fifteen fucking years of bullshit so that the author can continue writing this timeline without deluging himself in the complexity that is too many goddamn plotlines, rendering him a complete and utter hypocrite because he is currently writing seven regularly updated timelines and a oneshot that he is procrastinating on.




AUTHOR CONTINUES TO WRITE UNFUNNY BULLSHIT

THE AUTHOR'S REALITY - The author, despite the intense criticism he is receiving from a variety of critics, continues to write this godawful wreck of a timeline, insisting on this timeline "must continue on to the bitter end." Characters in the timeline have repeatedly announced their distaste for this measure because they simply do not want to deal with any more of this shit. Brian Schweitzer, a prospective Democratic nominee for President, has said the following regarding the continuation of this timeline:

"We have had candidates fly into space, collapse into stars, quit for no fucking reason, and simply cease to exist. I, for one, do not like this state of affairs and feel that this timeline should just be stopped right here and now."

The author, despite this widespread criticism, has refused to back down. "I, frankly, don't give a damn what these people say. After all, I write what they say. It's continuing whether they like it or not."

VERMIN SUPREME ENTERS RACE FOR SOME REASON

GLOUCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS - Vermin Supreme, that curiously non-bomb-throwing anarchist from Massachusetts who famously threw gay dust on Randall Terry, a candidate for the Democratic nomination for President in 2012, at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics in Goffstown, New Hampshire, part of Saint Anselm's College. With Jimmy McMillan, of the famous "The Rent is Too Damn High" Party, the two will be campaigning together for the purpose of "abolishing just about every fucking bad thing in this country's political system, in addition to mandating tooth brushing, giving free ponies to everyone, and supporting zombie outbreak prevention campaigns.

Supreme, in his trademark boot as his hat, said all the funny bullshit that he is known for making, and there he and McMillan would campaign to "win the hearts and minds of all Americans and just generally be fucking awesome." In this announcement, Supreme made known his desire to have a debate with Rob Ford, the former mayor of Toronto currently running for president.

AUTHOR RETCONS SCHWEITZER CAMPAIGN

METASPACE BETWEEN ATL AND OTL - The author has announced that he will be retconning the candidacy of Brian Schweitzer, former governor of Montana, because he honestly cannot think of a remotely amusing manner to get rid of him. In a press conference held in metaspace, he said that "I just can't think of anything. I've already had two critical existence failures and we don't need another politician floating in space by himself."

In response to questions regarding what Schweitzer would be doing instead of running for president, the author said that he had not given it much thought and said that "he's now in some PAC or think tank or something. I don't know and I don't really care. The gist of things is that he isn't in the fucking race anymore."


HICKENLOOPER ANNOUNCES MORE CLAMPS TO KEEP COLORADO ON EARTH
PEOPLE GETTING SO HIGH THAT IT THREATENS TO OVERTAKE GRAVITY

DENVER, COLORADO - John Hickenlooper, the current governor of Colorado, has announced the construction of more clamps into the earth to prevent the state from floating into space, due to the state being so fucking high due to the skyrocketing marijuana sales that the state risks floating into the air, overwhelming gravity and sending the entirety of the state into motherfucking space, joining Joe Biden in his cold grave of utter irrelevance (for those curious, he's somewhere around Uranus now).

These new clamps are to be constructed in the following places: two in Montez County, one each in Garfield and Rio Blanco counties, three in Moffat county, one each in Sedgwick, Kit Carson, and Cheyenne counties, and two in Baca County. The construction of these clamps is expected to bring in some feel-good amount of growth that sounds good on paper but really doesn't mean jack shit in the long term of things as this is all determined by the business cycle. The author knows this because he took a yearlong economics class.


GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON ENDORSES MacEVIL

YORBA LINDA, CALIFORNIA - Speaking in an interview with reporters at the Richard Nixon Presidential Library, the ghost of Richard Nixon, the President of the United States from 1969 to 1974, his administration ending prematurely due to the Watergate Scandal, the first public controversy of the government being a bunch of bastards in living memory, and just generally an evil motherfucker, has endorsed Robert MacEvil, a Democrat and evil genius from Manchester, New Hampshire, for the 2016 elections for President.

This is the first time since his death in 1993 that Nixon has said anything to the press; it is, however, known that he is a rapper in the Los Angeles Rap scene under the name Trik E Dik. When asked why he was supporting MacEvil, Nixon responded that "this country needs another evil bastard like myself in charge right now." When asked to explain, he said that "the second Bush was on the right track with the spying and the prisons and the wars and whatnot, but he just isn't evil enough. Obama has the NSA and the drones going for him, but he isn't evil enough either. This is why I support Robert MacEvil for President."

MacEvil has reacted enthusiastically to the endorsement, agreeing with Nixon's characterizations of Bush and Obama. "Why vote for somebody who just drones terrorists? I'll make sure we space laser them," he said in a press conference in Long Island, where aforementioned space laser was tested on a nursery full of innocent and adowable puppy dogs shortly thereafter as reporters snacked on candy stolen from babies.

BOARD, STRAWMAN END RESPECTIVE CAMPAIGNS, ANNOUNCE JOINT CAMPAIGN

DALLAS, TEXAS - In an announcement that shocked some people but was completely expectable by others who understand the author, candidates for the Republican nomination for President of the United States, Woodrow Napier "Wood" Board of Oklahoma and Louis Rawls Strawman of Alabama, a literal wooden board and a straw scarecrow, respectively, have announced that they are beginning their joint run for campaign for the Presidency and Vice Presidency, Board being the former and Strawman being the latter, because all the other prospective Republican candidates have succumbed to some sort of debilitating bullshit or otherwise gotten rid of for some fucking reason.

This new campaign will be a historic one whether these idiots win or not because Board will be the first candidate endorsed by a major party with a major disability, in Board's case locomotive and speaking disabilities brought on by the fact that he is literally a fucking piece of wood, and therefore must be moved and spoken for by his personal assistant, Joseph DeLancey, and the first presidential nominee from Oklahoma. Strawman will also be historic in that he will be the second Vice Presidential nominee from Alabama, following William Rufus King, a Democrat who served for little over a month before dying inconveniently of tuberculosis.

Political commentators have understandably gone batshit because America could now possibly elect a fucking piece of wood and a bunch of straw designed to look like a man to the highest offices in the nation. One commentator is on the record as saying "is this bullshit serious?"

JAY NIXON CAMPAIGN CALLS PISSING OFF FUCKING EVERYBODY DURING THEIR DINNERS
MAKES HIM LOOK AWFULLY HYPOCRITICAL

KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI - Pretty much everyone who has lived anywhere in America in the past few timeline updates has gotten one of those irritating telephone calls from the Jay Nixon for President campaign, the contents which tout his "totally not-crook-ness" and his "role in getting rid of annoying telemarketing calls during dinners" all the while being an annoying campaign call during dinners. This has made him look like a hypocrite because one of his greatest acts as governor was to make sure people in Missouri did not have to deal with that kind of bullshit, which now somehow gives him the right to do aforementioned bullshit.

Innocent P. Photogenic, a resident of Kansas City who is otherwise completely irrelevant to anything except matters related to this portion of a timeline update, has said that this particularly egregious bullshit is "making me want to vote for either Duck or MacEvil, or maybe even Warren. I don't know. I just don't like it when politicians act like evil bastards." When told that a politician is an evil bastard by definition, Photogenic screamed in a realization that everything she knew was wrong (fittingly accompanied by the Weird Al Yankovic song of that name playing from absolutely nowhere), after which her head promptly exploded. Kansas City Police were called in to supervise cleanup.

Defenders of Nixon and his totally-not-crook-ness have alleged that this is what all candidates for President do and that Nixon should not be punished for doing what other people do shamelessly. These defenders have also said that the author is part of this conspiracy to discredit Nixon by putting this story in the same update as the story about the ghost of Richard Nixon endorsing Robert MacEvil, to which the author only laughed.


AUTHOR NEEDS TO LEARN TO STOP WRITING UPDATES AT NIGHT ON WEEKDAYS

CLAIMS 'NATURAL NIGHT PERSON' AS A REASON; NOBODY BELIEVES THAT SHIT

THE AUTHOR'S REALITY - The author is currently, as of this very moment, writing this update to this timeline at 11:18 P.M. when he has to get up at 6:45 in the fucking morning for a class he has for the next two weeks. Various characters in the timeline have objected to this time of writing, pointing to the fact that he has to constantly fight to keep himself awake in the morning, epitomized by the occasion when he awoke to find his papers awash in his own drool.

The author has responded to criticisms that he stays up too goddamn late, staying up as late as six in the fucking morning on weekends (and getting up at three in the afternoon if not later the next day), all the while writing his godawful timelines, because his naturally nocturnal; critics have responded that this is typical self-justifying bullshit. It has been proposed that he write his timelines during the day to maximize the possibility that people read them, but this is countered by the fact that they don't get comments anyway because they suck. Furthermore, an increasing amount of people want to get this godawful travesty of a timeline to end. One critic from Fargo, North Dakota, has said that "All this timeline is can be said to be his own place to rant about shit and insult himself while only playing lip service to any form of plot." The author had no further comments on the matter, because he was writing the rest of this update.

MacEVIL SHOWS OFF HIS INVENTIONS IN EXPO ON LONG ISLAND
IT'S FUCKING AWESOME

TOP SECRET BASE ON LONG ISLAND THAT NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT, WE SWEAR - In what has been called "the most utterly awesome thing to have happened since Jack Churchill and Audie Murphy did their shit," Robert MacEvil, in an attempt to gain a better shot at the presidency, has hosted an exposition of his invention in his totally secret (it's secret, we're certain about it, STOP FUCKING DOUBTING US DAMMIT) base on Long Island.

Scientists from the Southampton Institute of Technology were at the exposition and had equipment that yielded "levels of awesome that are off the fucking charts," said one such researcher pointing to a nonsensical graph. "It may just be the most awesome thing that will ever happen in our lifetime."

In the exposition, MacEvil showed off his private jet, complete with tactical nuclear weaponry which he used to blow up effigies of competing candidates for the presidency. He demonstrated the abilities of his robotic minions, which all curiously look just like MacEvil, and can serve a bajillion types of food and drink at a moment's notice. Additionally, he showed off his set of three different mecha suits with all sorts of munitions that are banned by the Geneva Convention, the United Nations, and whatever powerless organization likes legislating on deadly weapons. After having these suits kick puppies using primed ICBMs, MacEvil issued a challenge to his opponents within the Democratic Party:

"I challenge whichever one of you bastards, Warren, Nixon, Duck, to come and fight me in one of these suits. Loser quits the race."

STRAWMAN INSULTS PEOPLE
PEOPLE OFFENDED

NEW ALBANY, INDIANA - Louis Rawls Strawman, the current de facto Republican nominee for Vice President (because nobody other than his running mate, Wood Board, is doing that for a variety of stupid reasons), in a speech has insulted just about everyone imaginable. He has said the following:

"The goddamn Democrats are going to steal all of our fucking guns and burn them in front of us while jumping around with communist memorabilia and burning our own flag while prancing about like ballerinas, meaning that American flags will be their fancy little slippers, a violation of our flag code. They will be eating babies in the streets and using their own blood as dipping sauce. They will be imposing their own form of Nazi communism on us all. Fuck every single one of them."

Critics have noted that this sounds too strawmanlike for an actual candidate to say, and the Plausibility Police have investigated this incident with the author. The author just pointed at them and laughed when they arrived. Democrats have been up in figurative arms (because they're too damn afraid to touch a gun, MacEvil excepted) about this insult, saying that "this man here is the epitome of the Bible thumping gun nut hick redneck from Alabama that waves the Confederate flag and wants to reinstitute slavery." No constructive discourse has come from this exchange whatsoever.


ELIZABETH WARREN DIES IN ROBOT DUEL WITH ROBERT MacEVIL IN BOSTON

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (as if that wasn't obvious enough already) - Elizabeth Warren, Senator from Massachusetts and a prospective nominee for the Democratic candidate for President, has died in a frigging awesome mecha fight with Robert MacEvil, another candidate for the Democratic nomination and an evil genius from Manchester, New Hampshire, in the streets of Boston, Massachusetts.

MacEvil had issued the challenge to any of his opponents for the nomination, including Warren, David Daniel Duck, the governor of some fucking state, and Jay Nixon, governor of Missouri. Warren was the only one to step up to the challenge and don the mech suit that MacEvil had created, and met him in battle in front of the Old State House in Boston. A massive fight of epic proportions occurred, which ended with MacEvil using a Plot Hole Generator to destroy Warren's walker within fifteen minutes of the beginning of the fight. Warren was unable to fully master the suit and thusly could only fire rockets in random places, destroying several buildings, the Old State House included, and killed at least forty people. However, since this is a satirical timeline, these deaths will not be dwelled upon.

Warren's death has great implications for the Democratic race; it means that Jay Nixon is the only bulwark against the inevitable fight between Duck and MacEvil for the Democratic nomination. This is generally held to be a bunch of bullshit by the author's critics.

UNITED NATIONS ALLEGES MacEVIL HAS RETCON MISSILES
REPUBLICANS AGREE WITH THE UNITED NATIONS FOR ONCE

SECRET FUCKING BASE ON LONG ISLAND - Members of some United Nations organization that the author can't figure out have accused Robert MacEvil, one of the prospective candidates for the Democratic Party for President and all the other shit you've seen in the previous updates, of being in possession of missiles tipped with Retcon Warheads and carried by submarines.

MacEvil has denied possessing the weapons, which, if they actually do exist, would be able to change the course of the timeline as it is being written and even change the past, which would cause all sorts of unpleasant bullshit to happen, like Rick Santorum actually winning the fucking presidency. The author, alone in the sea of criticism, has defended MacEvil, saying that he would never let a character in his work "gain such a powerful weapon." MacEvil himself has said that "I could easily make those things, but it would be cheating."

BOARD, STRAWMAN ATTEMPT TO WOO TEA PARTY AT TEA PARTY TEA PARTY

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA - In massive display decked with "Board/Strawman 2016" posters and other campaign paraphernalia that will add to the global waste of just about fucking everything, Republican de facto Presidential ticket Woodrow Napier "Wood" Board and Louis Rawls Strawman, candidates for President and Vice President respectively, have done a bunch of bullshit that would make them look attractive to nutjob reactionaries, including dressing like princesses and dumping unsanitary tea into large containers of water.

Strawman, looking patently ridiculous in his frilly pink dress, said to the crowd that "the Democrats want to rip out babies from their mother's wombs and eat them as sundaes" and "want to barge into people's homes and take their guns, their computers, and just about any other fucking thing so they can start a socialist redistribution of wealth and the burning of all American flags on a massive bonfire. Because they hate America."

Board, on the other hand, did what Charles Koch did at the last Tea Party Tea Party in Boston, and dumped the tea into the Schuykill River after performing I'm a Little Teapot, Short and Stout to the audience.

JAY NIXON ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
QUALITY OF TIMELINE NOSEDIVES

DE SOTO, MISSOURI - While insulting his fellow candidates at home to his loving wife, Jay Nixon, a candidate for the Democratic nomination for President and the current Governor of Missouri, has for some fucking reason been abducted by aliens.

Eyewitnesses to the occasion say that a literal flying saucer with a gigantic teapot and a mountain of sugar,descended upon Nixon's house and dispatched gigantic tea leaves to take the Governor out of his house and pulled him up to the saucer by some sort of handwavium-powered antigravity bullshit. The saucer subsequently landed Nixon in a small clump of sugar doused in tea and restrained him via the usage of what appeared to by gagging him with a very large napkin.

The loss of Nixon leaves only two candidates for the Democratic nomination: David Daniel Duck and Robert MacEvil. Nixon's loss is seen as the "end of any sort of realism in this timeline" and "a symbol of how the author has just utterly given up on this timeline's quality," said a critic who went on to state that "the whole teacup saucer thing is just a fucking joke based on the word 'saucer' and just is not funny. He just doesn't care at all and has no respect for his audience."

DUCK, MacEVIL ANNOUNCE JOINT CANDIDACY

SOME FUCKING PLACE - David Daniel Duck, the governor of some fucking state, and Robert MacEvil, evil genius of Manchester, New Hampshire, have recently announced their joint candidacy for the White House for the Democratic nomination, with Duck taking the mantle of the President and MacEvil taking the position of the Vice President.

In what has been called a cop-out by the author to fit the race into the two partisan nominations that we all know and despise, the two have made their alliance to do a bunch of bullshit that may or may not help America get its shit together. When asked about the merger of the campaigns, Duck said "quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quackity quack quack," giving new insight into his thought process and his vision to reshape this bullshit-torn nation.

Some observers have wondered why MacEvil, previously vigorous in his pursuit of the presidency, has settled for the mediocre position of Vice President, where he is likely to never be heard from again. MacEvil's answer has been "I've always admired how Dick Cheney was able to play George W. Bush like a fucking puppet. I hope to do the same to the good Mr. Duck here, and of course to avoid the public outcry that will inevitably happen when I start doing evil shit." to which Duck simply responded "quack."

FORD, SUPREME HAVE DEBATE
NOTHING SAID THAT WILL IMPACT PRESIDENTIAL RACE AT ALL

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI - Vermin Supreme, eccentric from Gloucester, Massachusetts, and Rob Ford, former Mayor of Toronto, have held their debate at the Washington University of St. Louis in St. Louis, Missouri (if that weren't already obvious), in which nothing that will have anything meaningful said that will affect the race for the Presidency in any meaningful manner, showing the "stifling effect of the modern two party system" in the words of Ford.

The debate was cut short, however, when Ford, being so fucking high on crack it was unbelievable, began floating into the air due to his intoxication and highness. After floating out of the building and into the sky, Kansas City police dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. The debate was ended there, and Supreme rode away on a pony to do some bullshit that third party candidates do for some fucking reason.

REPUBLICAN PARTY ANNOUNCES NEW PLATFORM AT RNC: FUCK EVERYTHING
HUCKABEE: "ABOLISH EVERYTHING, INCLUDING ANARCHISM"

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - The Republican National Convention, convened in a city that will never go to them in a display of electoral desperation that has not happened since the 2008 convention in Saint Paul, Minnesota, has recently unveiled the party's new platform for the coming election, entitled Fuck Everything. Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas and just general nonentity for the purpose of this timeline, was the key author of the platform, who explained the creative title in his presentation speech:

"The title 'Fuck Everything' is not a mere display of anger; it is a revelation of how fucking pissed we are at the Obama Administration right now and how fucking fucked up this country is. We said, fuck everything, and let's put this country back on the fucking road."

In a very provocative statement, Huckabee announced that "we must abolish everything, including anarchism, to attain the goal of bringing this country back to the constitutional principles upon which it was founded. Capitalism, socialism, unionism, feminism, communism, notgivingafuckism, all of it must be abolished. Then, we will, using the Constitution as our supreme law of the land, reestablish a nation that our forefathers would be proud to live in."

This new platform, curiously, does not call for the abolition of absolutely everything; Huckabee replied "no comment" to questions regarding that fact. It does, however, include the following terms:

Reestablishment of the Senate as the undoubtedly effective, state-representing body that it used to be, thereby requiring lobbyists to buy out whole state legislators rather than just individual senators.
Banning of Golf as a sport that the President can play due to the fact that Obama liked it.
Complete and utter abolition of the National Security Agency "before MacEvil can get his hands on it."
Complete and utter abolition of the Internal Revenue Service.
Complete and utter abolition of the Department of Education.
Complete and utter abolition of the Department of Health.
Complete and utter abolition of the Department of Silly Walks.
Complete and utter abolition of the Federal Government of the United States.
Complete and utter abolition of the space-time continuum.
A hawkish policy on American-Author relations. Huckabee said that "We must stand up to this timeline's author and not let him inundate us with bullshit any longer."
A secure border with Mexico.
A secure border with Canada; Huckabee said that "we don't want any more nutjobs like Rob Ford entering our country, now do we?"


Among other meaningless bullshit. Wood N. Board and Louis Rawls Strawman, respectively, were confirmed as the Republican Party's nominations for President and Vice President, respectively. The former talked about how his being disabled was somehow important, and the latter said things that only a political strawman would say. Otherwise nothing interesting happened.

DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION HELD IN MONTGOMERY
EVENT NOT NEARLY AS INTERESTING AS THE RNC

MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA - The Democratic National Convention was held in the city that has been said twice already, in what has been deemed a thoroughly uninteresting affair due to the fact that they are not as interesting to the plot. However, the author still deems it necessary to have a convention in the timeline because reasons.

In an impassioned speech upon his nomination, David Daniel Duck tearfully accepted the nomination for president, saying the following:

"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack, quack quacky quackity quackity quack. Quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack."

Which was met with emotional applause. President Obama, who was there for the ceremonies, said about Duck that "that speech was the most beautiful I have ever heard."

Duck was followed by Robert MacEvil, who accepted the nomination for vice president with the following words:

"Thank you, plebeians, for accepting me as your nomination for Vice President. Now, my evil plan to take over the world is inching ever closer to completion!"

He subsequently burst out into an evil laugh, and the crowd cheered as he did so.